A Confession

Today I finally found myself with the determination and time to stop what I’m doing and get some writing done. I sat in front of my computer for some time, staring at the little blinking line on my word document, and wondering just what I was going to say. I had the enthusiasm, just not the inspiration. So I reflected on how this blog has been going so far. I was a little happy, because I was able to acknowledge some improvement in my training. But I was more disappointed in myself, because I had not been keeping up with my goal of writing three times a week. This sudden self-shame gave me the desire to make a confession—something I think I should make known about myself before continuing this blog: I am one of the biggest procrastinators ever. The weight of this confession probably isn’t clear to you, because procrastination is not exactly an uncommon trait. Putting off tasks may be a nuisance, but it’s not a serious crime. However, my procrastination is deeper and more troublesome. I don’t just put off tasks, I ignore them altogether. I wouldn’t be so ashamed of this if I were the only one to suffer from it. But I end up hurting other people and losing their trust because of this flaw, which is awful. I carelessly break promises, put off appointments, forget commitments, or in this case, write four fewer entries in my blog than I said I would.

This failure on my part doesn’t really affect the people who read this blog, but it bothers me greatly because it demonstrates a lack of accountability. In my dismissal of the goals I originally made at the start of this project, I am letting down myself and anyone else who believed I would follow through on them. This disappointing quality I possess is probably what I like least about myself, and for that reason, I want to try and change it. I promise that from this point on I will take my commitment to this project more seriously, and will make a significant effort to be reliable and trustworthy. Whether or not I keep this promise will be the ultimate test of my integrity, and I hope I prove myself through it. I conclude my confession by looking forward with anticipation to next week, when I hope I will begin my writing schedule anew. With any luck, you will hear from me three times instead of one, and this journey can truly begin.